a few ways Canada can become more like America

1/9/2021

click on the photo or "read more" to continue reading piece.

a satirical piece to counter the narrative
that "the USA and Canada are basically the same".
both countries are imperfect and need improvement,
but there are flaws the USA has that Canada does not.

a few ways Canada can become more like America:

distractions – ramp up Canada-only apps, video-streaming, subscription boxes, and more. make as much entertainment exclusive as possible. distracted masses will hopefully be quiet about all the injustices here.

healthcare – instead of universal coverage, tie healthcare to jobs. more out-of-pocket expenses, like when giving birth. keep (some) coverage for low-income and elderly folks.

education – make it cost way more. don’t diversify the curriculum more than it is. let super-religious people have overt influence to hinder the inclusion of inconvenient topics like actual history, injustice, human rights, equality, bodily autonomy, sexual health, and science, among other things.

indoctrination – get public school kids to repeat a patriotic and religious myth statement, starting before they can understand, so they will be more likely to blindly follow patriotic whims. let’s remove their choice and agency early on. oh, and it’ll be voluntary, but keep that part between us, 'kay?

climate action – leave the Paris Agreement. keep ignoring those areas without safe drinking water and clean air. the economy should matter to us even more than it already does!

guns – don’t improve broken gun control laws, scrap them. make gun-ownership advocates richer, more powerful, and harder to work around. far too many Canadians squirm at the sight of guns and haven’t known anyone affected by gun violence or killed by a gun – so weird, in a first world country like ours!

military – add provincial national guard units. ramp up war involvement. become obsessed with war. make our military uuuuge.

Kinder Eggs – ban them. guns protect people, not Kinder Eggs.

zeal – patriotic, religious, racist, let’s combine them even more and get more vocal! Canadian flags should fly all year round, I don’t care how far away a town is from an airport or national border! it’s Christianity and speaking English or nothing, that way we will know we all think the very same things!

Elections Canada – abolish it. implement a system to preserve and worsen current injustices. why improve our voting system when we can just throw it away!

elections – spend years, not months, campaigning. instead of the Prime Minister being the leader of a national party, let anyone come on in and lead the country. make it a big spectacle for the whole world to see! theatrics will distract everyone from all the things one person is unable to fix during their term!

taxes – require expats and non-White Canadians living abroad to file taxes, even if they already file taxes for the government of the place they reside. stop having taxes pay for healthcare at all – people should just pay taxes, not get things for paying them! if people get things, people will feel they have a say, and then we’d have to listen to them talk about all the areas we can improve. who needs humility?

citizenship – charge a ridiculous renunciation fee, one of the highest in the world, then put the people on the same list as actual traitors.

injustice and trauma – do we have enough? sure we’ve got White Supremacy, White Privilege, systemic racism, and the lingering damages from colonialism negatively affecting people to this day – plus plenty of other injustices – but does Canada have enough?