endure it

---

​what being an American means to me.

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being an American
means being embarrassed,
trying not to seem arrogant,
being relieved to carry a second passport.

being American
means getting used to your country
always being in crisis after crisis
that get swept under the rug.

being American
means hearing "it's the same here too"
from uni-citizen Canadians,
many who actually have no idea.

being American
means being born into a horrible legacy,
with a country full of historical amnesia
and ignorance.

being American
means you hear about always winning,
especially wars,
because patriotism veils the naive.

being American
and a student abroad
means learning to negotiate who you are,
regularly, for four years.

being American
and living abroad
means getting called "an expat", 
but only if you're White.

being American
and falling in love abroad
means never wanting to subject the one you love
to a land built on hate.

being American
means being angry, everyday, for being American,
for loving it, once, before you knew better,
and hating how it hurts so many people.

being American
is expensive to escape,
and those who do get put on a list,
like criminals.

being American
is something I try to forget I am,
and often it works,
until the next minute arrives, with its new crisis.

being American
is not something that gets easier to endure,
because, no matter how many things you write,
you still never get to truly go home.

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