during the first year following my suicide attempt, I experienced moments of being purely in awe of life and other times of pure boredom. my awareness of life was heightened, experiences were new and colourful, yet boring moments still existed and were also more powerfully felt. I made the best of the duller moments and lived through them because even the boring moments were hard-earned.
once the first year passed, some of the newness of life faded away since life is not always moving from one exciting event to the next. there are many everyday or mundane moments, but choosing life means choosing to live in the entire spectrum. healing involves learning to appreciate the low moments, the boring moments, and the really awesome moments - taking no one part for granted helps to appreciate the whole.
life is varied and that is part of what makes it beautiful. we are dynamic, creative beings who have choice and agency which means our lives are not static enterprises but constantly evolving experiences.
though I will never forget how very present I felt during that first year of healing, I have come to appreciate the more balanced, quiet joys of my life now. I think the heightened awareness was key to understanding my existence made an impact, that it was felt in the ripple of the world even in the smallest of ways - like the imprint of my boots on snow - but that no matter how mundane the element of beauty was, it still mattered. because life matters. your life matters. and moving forward, one breath at a time, moving past each temptation, matters.