I wanted to embark on a structured reflection series as a way to mark my thirty-third year of life. I wanted a project that could be year-long, so it needed to provide structure and flexibility. Having guided reflection questions allows structure. Having themes allows room for flexibility. I also wanted a project that could blend different mediums, in this case writing and digital art.

I feel that our condo is still new to me, as we've only lived here for four months. I sometimes feel like we should have changed more about it by now or that we should feel more settled. Then I remember we have, in many ways, barely moved in. So that helps me relax. I also look at photos of the first week we were living here and they show me just how much has changed.

I feel excited and motivated to make new art. Since I feel safe and at home in our new space, it helps me feel more creative. I recently made a painting for our dining room. I also have plans for other paintings. I get inspiration from the space itself as well as from friends and family. 

I feel invited to make our condo our own. Our neighbourhood also feels very inviting to explore. Again, back to that feeling of safety. I also have a new sense of rootedness and belonging. I feel like this is "my neighbourhood", which is a new feeling for me.

I am looking forward to exploring more local parks, especially ones I haven't visited yet. I also want to make homemade pasta again. And I want to continue making art for our home.

The Meandering Reflective is a year-long reflection series.

Meandering - I described the project as "meandering" to emphasize the natural and unpredictable flow of a year in one's life. Though we can try to make plans, time determines which plans come to fruition. Meandering allows a balance between intentional goal-setting and making space for whatever comes along. 

Reflective - I divided the year into six themes, each theme with related questions to reflect upon. I also created a map as a visual accompaniment for the reflective journey. Each month is represented by its own colour and location on the map. How the year unfolds will be discovered through experience.

Links to each reflection will be updated below.

One of the questions that naturally arose as I've healed from abuse was: "What do I do with the good?" - What do I do with the memories that bring a smile to my face, but include people who abused me? What do I do with the life lessons those people taught me? What do I do with favourite songs and bands that I was introduced to by those people? 

I have come to understand I can keep the good I want to keep. Even if the process is complicated at first, or for a while. Even if the person was complicated (who isn't?). Even if the person allegedly hurt someone. Even if the person hurt me or another person. Even if...

For me, it always comes back to music. I love music. After I've been friends with someone long enough, there is bound to be a memory which includes music. So, do I toss away my enjoyment of songs by groups like CCR, Fleetwood Mac, and Linkin Park, just because of an association with someone who harmed me? No. But the process involves intentionally connecting those songs I like to safe memories. I continue liking CCR songs which remind me of sunny summer days of my early childhood, I connect Fleetwood Mac songs to my Europe trip in university, and Linkin Park is tied to fun movement and my healing journey. 

Keeping the good I want to keep is a way to reclaim my power. Abuse tried to steal so much of my power, my choice, and my voice. By intentionally healing my memory of even one favourite song, I reclaim some of the joy my abusers tried to hoard for themselves. 

I can keep the good. 
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We can keep the good.

You can keep the good.

This piece discusses my healing progress as a survivor of family abuse and intimate partner sexual abuse/violence. Further info and clarification of terminology are provided on Owl Tree Whimsy's Healing Resources Page.

I have always been worthy. Yet, when I was growing up there were two main factors that kept me from seeing the full extent of my worth. I was abused by some of my relatives, which negatively impacted my formation of self. I also was abused, from age fourteen to fifteen, by the guy I was dating. Growing up, I only had pockets of empathy around me, deep wells were elsewhere. I was grateful for visits to those wells as they provided essential rest and hope for me in my darkest seasons. I am grateful that wells of empathy have become far more abundant in my adult life. And I now feel worthy.