I have been feeling very calm recently. Kevin and I purchased and moved into our first house. We've still got some boxes to unpack and organizing to do, but we feel very at home here. Very peaceful. We had a good team supporting us. And Kevin and I had one another to rely on at each stage of the house-buying process.
Each step in the process brought its own blend of pressures and emotions. I worried the fact that I'm a homemaker would hinder our mortgage pre-approval process. It didn't. And my good credit combined with Kevin's good credit to help our situation. When we were evaluating and comparing properties, both the practical setting and the feel of a place influenced our decisions. We didn't want to live somewhere difficult to access or live in. We wanted a structurally and intuitively solid home. A residence needs structural and emotional stability to have any chance to be a home.
Growing up, I lived in a chaotic neighbourhood which had no stability. Some residences there have water, electricity, plumbing, but few have all of these in a dependable way. Yet, my mom has been obsessed for decades with trying to build a house there. We lived in her second "house" project throughout my adolescence. She would claim things would improve once she finished "building the house". She escaped the stress her project caused her by drifting away from reality using substances. Meanwhile, I carried the full weight of reality alone. Without a reassuring foundation, everything else became harder.
Six months ago, Kevin and I started the process of buying a house here in Winnipeg. Most parts of my inner self were fine with this decision, all except one. My inner adolescent only had negative experiences with trying to build or own houses and worried the past was being repeated. I took time to reflect and journal to ease my fear. I also talked with Kevin. And I sat with myself and parented my inner adolescent, whose life had been upended time and again.
Using my energy in this way helped remind me I deserve protection. I don't need to waste my energy on those who abused me when I was growing up. They will be who they will be. I deserve to be me. My energy is for my inner self, for my confidants, and for my loved ones. Kevin and I have found a nourishing, safe, and calming space. Those who are safe for us will continue to be invited here, to the home Kevin and I create together.
As 2022 drew to a close, I completed my crochet blanket. Starting November 1st, I crocheted almost every day. On December 22nd, my hexagons were done. Then I spent a week sewing everything together. My “hexiket”, as I affectionately named the project, is now a cozy addition to our living space.
My hexiket project was planned in 2018. That spring, after I named my bisexuality, I decided to make a crochet blanket in bi colours. I loved the hexagon design, found a pattern, and purchased the yarn. Everything was logistically set. The only thing I lacked was motivation.
I already knew how to crochet, having been taught by one of my late grandmothers. But it was challenging to accept I’d be refreshing my skills without her. I tried practicing the individual crochet stitches the pattern required. I then found videos on how to create an entire hexagon. The breakthrough came when I found a well-paced hexagon tutorial video. From there, my hexagon-making flourished!
She had done nothing wrong
and she waited for assurance of that fact.
She waited for the chance to speak,
to have others know the truth.
She worried she had done something wrong,
worried it was somehow her fault,
worried she had not done enough,
worried she had done too much.
When she began to tell others,
nobody gave her all the assurance,
but they shared in her truth;
good ones carried the truth alongside her.